Tuesday, February 08, 2011

(In baritone): I confess: I love this app!

Okay so seriously, a "confession" app??

That has to be the digital version of a drive-thru for Krispy Kreme donuts. So you want to be obese by eating donuts, and you want so much to keep every calorie you eat inside you that you don't even get out of your car before you get your pre-coronary snack?

This undoubtedly dilutes what is probably my favorite aspect of the church. Not only do you believe that God's son suffered for all your sins (according to my elementary understanding of Christianity and supported by the many churchgoers who knock on my door to publicize their church), you even refuse him the courtesy of getting off your chair, going into a church, confessing before another human and giving yourself that little chance of reviving your lost conscience? How forgiving do you expect God to be?

Let me humor the idea that this is merely a "fun" app and is not supposed to be used by any genuine confessor. Really? When was the last time you met someone who thought it would be fun to confess to something, and pay $2 for it? Its not as if the app responses with relevant, sin-specific advice to make it seem like an interactive game! I don't really see a confessing game succeed unless it shares something with other successful games of today: violence, adult content or strategy. Good luck including that in a confession!

Casual sinners can now do the unthinkable: commit the sin as they are trying to confess it. How does any religious person, let alone a body of churches, think of this as a good idea? This has to be right up there with performing Hindu abhishek via webcam, or uttering "talaaq" by text message. If religions are to be believed and God's wrath will indeed fall upon us, the religious bodies aren't doing such a great job at delaying the inevitable! A significant portion of that wrath will be directed at our collective stupidity, not our sins!

I confess: I love this app!

Technology has at last caught up with religion! Not wanting to stay behind the times and other religions promoting "remote abhishek" and "talaak by SMS", the church has okayed an iPhone/iPad "confession" app. Here is the info: http://newsfeed.time.com/2011/02/08/smartphone-sins-catholic-church-approves-confession-by-iphone/?hpt=T2. According to its maker: "it has already helped one person come back to the church after 20 years away."

I love this idea! It will start a new debate about which is easier: committing a sin in today's world, or atoning for it! This is truly a win-win for everybody:

The sinner: Heaven is just a click away! How guilty can a tablet make you? (Mind you, not the original 10 commandments tablet, but the iPad). In fact it is estimated that the average number of punishable sins worldwide will decrease because the middle"man" (literally, the priest) has been eliminated. Governments all over the world, are you looking?

The church: This will surely help their cause. They can now compete with other age-old religions in the 21st century. Instead of the confession box, now there will be a confession cubicle complete with an air-conditioner (for the computer, not the priest) to receive confessions (in a later release, as it seems that current app is just for guilt resolution, not absolution). Church steeples can now be turned into broadcasting towers so that confessions are digitally sent to God above. And eventually they would need technical support. Thus in the greatest of paradoxes, China will support the church!

Apple: This is a masterstroke. With one swoop they have targeted a long-neglected demographic: criminals. Apple is projected to earn millions in ad-revenue around prisons and courts. Look for the "There's an app for that!" sign outside every courtroom and prison and the related addendum to the law allowing out-of-court settlements.

Skeptics warn that modern-day sinners could fall into a loophole where they mistakenly went to hell because their confession did not get through due to poor signal strength. Apple is mulling using antennas shaped like religious symbols so that their apparatus does not suffer divine signal loss.

Rival Google is smacking its lips: it plans to collect statistical data on worldwide confessions and create interesting visualizations to see which sins are popular in which demographic. Of course it promises that no humans will read them: only bots manufactured by atheists would be used.

Several other religions are considering alternative "Paap ko jala kar raakh kar doonga" apps on the rival Android platform which is slated to overtake the iPhone in popularity by 2014.

Note: For those of you who didn't get it, this is a sarcastic article (I must have read way too many legal notices living in the US to think of writing this note!)