The Feb 14th Hilarity

I must admit I am a bit sorry I'm not going to be in India this coming Valentine's day, to see if this hilarity actually happens.

I am at an utter loss of words on how to describe or comment on this hilariously preposterous proposition of forcibly marrying off anybody "seen dating" on Valentine's Day. I assume that Mr. Muthalik has just scaled new heights of press-grabbing, as no self-respecting follower of his would put himself/herself through the humiliation of getting somebody forcibly married off like this (I hope so, but then beating girls is these people's interpretation of our culture).

But let's humour Mr. Muthalik:

1. It would be great if all dating couples get married on February 14th. It would be a big victory for the Hindutva parade and the secular forces alike! How, you ask? Sri Ram Sena would hail the victory of THEIR culture over western influences. And the secular forces would announce February 14th as "National Anniversary Day" instead of the Christian St. Valentine's Day! Furthermore, we would at last have the Hindu equivalent of the triple talaq rule (and its modern verbal and SMS forms). Yay religious equality!

2. It would be a great recruiting day for Sri Ram Sena. Like ragging in college propagates itself, these disgruntled married folks would join them to marry off others in the years to come. Why should they be the only ones who are "miserable ever after"?

3. Let's face it, its a masterstroke. This move would make all pubs, discotheques and college festivals family-friendly environments in one go! All girls can continue to break THEIR norms of culture, but under the watchful culture eyes of their husbands (which of course are guaranteed not to wander)!

4. It would, in one swoop, render the issue of pre-marital physical relationships moot! India's population could further explode, but at least we'll all be legitimate. Take that England!

5. After years of harassing the general public about Valentine's Day, dancing, western culture influences, finally all the cultural police would be irrelevant, as there would be no more issues to fight for! Oh wait, there's the western concept of marriage counseling and divorces...

6. Instead of browbeating the general public to obey THEIR culture, all cultural police would now bestow their wrath upon the bureaucratic corridors of the marriage registrar's office. Marriage registrations would be so easy and painless, otherwise the Sri Ram Sena would beat up the registrar for not upholding THEIR culture expeditiously.

Throughout our history, bad and evil kings have always been uprooted from society. If only Mr. Muthalik is convinced that this phenomenon is part of our culture...

7. Female infanticide would go down. Parents don't have to worry about finding good grooms for their daughters. Pick a suitor, and then feign dating on Feb 14. Sri Ram Sena will take care of the rest. The dowry system would also be "culturally abolished". Since Sri Ram Sena would solemnize most marriages, how dare anybody ask them for dowry!

8. It will at last rid us of our boring movies which are after all odes to the concept of boy-girl-falling-in-love with marriage only ending the movie. Not only can actors not smoke on screen, but they also cannot play bachelors who are mutually in love with someone but not married.

9. Sri Ram Sena would pave the doors to convert itself into the best school for teachers in the world. After all if they succeeded in pursuading all dating college students to get married immediately (and that too nonviolently), they're hands down the kind of teachers we want our children to be motivated by to study!

10. Finally the Sri Ram Sena would annihilate itself by inviting the wrath of the Yadavs. After all all photographs of Krishna-Radha would be blasphemous to THEIR culture as it would support the idea of courtship!

I must say the organization has named itself quite aptly--Sri Ram Sena. Or upon some inspection and a little help from the language of our past rulers: Sri RAM Sena.